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Katherine

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[08 Jun 2003|02:33pm]
[ I'm not going to use this journal anymore, so Katie's free for the taking. I'm leaving the journal up, though, due to the wonderful Keri-mun's request.. memories, you know? Well, darlings, it was fun while it lasted. See you all on the other side.

If you need to get a hold of me somehow, just drop me an e-mail at out_ofcontext@yahoo.com. ]
Weep for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

[02 Jun 2003|08:05pm]
[ mood | drunk ]

Where have I been? I'm not quite sure.
Where am I now? I wish I knew.
What's new with me? I have no friggin' idea.
How are things? ...What things?

Now, if anyone has any questions that weren't answered above, please feel free to ask them. Just take a look at the answers I gave, and know that they probably won't be any more elaborate than that.

Back to Jack. Daniels, that is.

Weep for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

no matter what i did, no matter what i said, it doesn't matter now. [13 May 2003|12:12pm]
[ mood | sick ]

My mouth is my own bear trap I keep setting and stepping in.


So, yeah, there's been quite an absence from me, and I apologize. A lot of shit has been going down, and I needed some recovery time. I'm sorry, but I'm back now. At least, I'll try my absolute best to be around more. I'm still a little exhausted, but I'll get back into the swing of things sooner or later.

I need to speak with Conor soon, before my heart and head explode, scattering shards of my lonliness across the room. And that wouldn't be pretty.

My love goes out to my beautiful Keri, though. Hun, I'm always here for you, even though it may not seem like it. I apologize, but just know that you always have a friend, always have someone and somewhere to turn to. Never, ever forget that - like I told you, I'm stuck to you until lightning strikes me dead, and I mean that.

Weep for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

[19 Apr 2003|02:54pm]
[ mood | forgetful ]

Note to self: Fly to Arizona on the 30th to visit Maggie and Ryan.

Weep for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

Love is real, it is not just in poetry or stories. [14 Apr 2003|09:04am]
[ mood | good ]

I flew down to Tucson, Arizona to surprise Conor at his show. I mixed in with the crowd as best I could, having to bend my knees sometimes when he looked at my direction so I'd blend in with the other people around me - I was predominantly taller than a majority of the show-goers there.. I don't think he caught onto me, though. He played a wonderful show, though it was obvious that he had quite a bit to drink before going onstage. Afterwards, I walked around the side of the Rialto Theater, waited for the crowd of fans to clear around, and then exposed my presence to him with kisses and compliments. He was pleasantly surprised, and he took me inside and we sat there for an hour or so, talking and enjoying eachother's company like before he was on tour. It's been too long of an absence already on account of his touring, and though it feels like it's killing me, I know he has a job to do and obligations to withold. I respect that.

I'm planning to catch a couple more of his shows here in the future - I can't stay away from him for too long.

Weep for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

I am. [31 Mar 2003|04:42pm]
[ mood | cold ]

I'm hoping to have an old friend over tonight. It'd be great to see Sean again, it's been way too long since I've had good, quality time with him. I was also thinking if a certain Italian goddess would like to join me for dinner and drinks tomorrow night - you know, a little best-friend-bonding time, which we've been lacking lately. I'm planning on flying out to Arizona the day after next, though it's not completely certain yet, to see Maggie. I'll be in the company of good people for the next few days. It'll be a nice contrast to the empty space I've been dwelling in lately, to hear some voices and spend some time with friends is just what I need.

I hate to be so incredibly ... pathetic sounding in my posts, so I'll try and talk about something more uplifting from now on.

Last night, I rented some movies - Donnie Darko, Jesus' Son, Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, and Jackass: The Movie thrown in there for good measure - then popped some popcorn in the microwave, curled up on my couch beside Roux and stayed up pretty late, just watching these movies. It made for some decent late-night entertainment, and some of the characters and scenes drifted into my dreams. I thought that was interesting... funny how that happens.

Weep for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

I knew every raindrop by it's name. [30 Mar 2003|01:24pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

How can I belong to someone who is gone?

My stomach feels as if it is doing somersaults inside of me. I'm nauseated, lonely, and a little depressed... and reading Prozac Nation probably doesn't help very much. I'll get past this though, as I always do.

I just can't help but feel like I'm a small blot of black paint in the center of a stark-white canvas that stretches for miles - tainting perfection.

Weep for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

"When the horses come, I won't scream or cry. I've been dying for them to take my life." [17 Mar 2003|09:15am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Waking up screaming and seeing the body beside you jump ten feet into the air, then fall back down screaming with you before he realizes what's going on and then pulls you close to comfort you isn't exactly the most pleasant experience. Well, except for the last part.

I don't even remember what I dreamt about, but I remember sitting up in bed screaming at the top of my lungs with my eyes still closed and my body shaking.. Conor woke up startled and screamed along with me for about 5 seconds before grabbing me, then stroking my hair and yelling my name out to pull me back into reality. He didn't ask questions, they didn't need to be asked. He just calmed me, and we fell back to sleep within a half hour or so, me clinging to him with all of my might.

EDIT: Oh yeah, Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone.

Weep for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

[05 Mar 2003|05:35pm]
If I seem a little callous,
I assure you it's just a scratch.
So if you can hold on 'till the mood swings are gone,
Then we might just have a chance.
Weep for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

"I hate when you say you know me, you don't know me." [04 Mar 2003|07:28pm]
[ mood | restless ]

What I hate even worse is I know you, you're no mystery.

Yeah, so, the first day back in Los Angeles, I get a surprise visit from my ex-husband, Chris. God, things were going so good for me, but then he shows up and tosses everything up into the air. I hate him... I think.

No, no, I hate him.

After his little "visit", I spent the rest of the afternoon and good portion of the night curled up in a ball and sobbing like a fucking child. Over what? I mean, I'm over the guy.. I have to put him in the past. We're through.

It's not fair what he's doing to me.

Once my tear ducts ran dry, I just lied in bed in a somewhat comatose trance.. just staring at my ceiling, thinking, wondering, letting my anger towards him manifest in my chest for hours before breaking into a fresh new bout of tears. As silly as I feel crying over something that's gone, it's shaken me up pretty badly. I haven't slept since..

I just want answers. Why he left. What her name was; the girl he so obviously divorced me for. She had to be awfully special, because he had me fooled into believing that I was the greatest thing in the world and he'd never love another. That was bull shit. The whole marriage was bull shit.

Conor is here now, which is a huge help. Being alone only gave me the chance to wallow in my paranoia and drown in this sea of confusion, suffocate in my reminescence. He's saving me yet again.

...Is it horrible that I want to talk to Chris again? I want him to tell me everything, everything that went down while he was touring and I was at home. That way, I might get some closure. Some peace. That way, I'd really be able to let go and cut these strings that keep me bound and tied back from living my life and loving freely.

Yes, that's horrible, Katherine. What are you thinking?

Weep for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

[03 Mar 2003|08:46pm]
[ mood | scared ]

Holy shit. Chris is .. back.

Weep for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

[02 Mar 2003|05:31pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I think I might've made a big mistake. I have no idea what to do, what to say, how to correct any of this.

All I know is that if your name happens to be Jason, we need to talk.

for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

"Ever since you learned to walk, you ran away. Kept running until you couldn't feel your legs." [01 Mar 2003|02:27pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I went to the Spy Bar last night, thanks to the wonderful matdevine and his suggestions on where to go in Chicago. I spent the night drinking and conversing with people - mostly with Mat, because he was a familiar face - and I'm afraid I might have scared him. I tend to do that to people when I get alcohol in my system. But hey, oh well. What can you do?

I don't remember a whole lot of what was said, but I do remember going on a tangent about always running away from things - which, now that I think about it, wasn't completely off from the sober truth. I try to escape things I can't handle, I avoid any situation that would cause me to be on shaky ground... I've always prided myself on being this emotionally strong person, but in fact, I'm severely weak. I'm... kind of a fraud.

The best cure for a hangover? Another beer. I think I'm now just going to have a drink, and curl up beside Conor.

Weep for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

"Holding hands between barstools." [28 Feb 2003|11:59am]
[ mood | calm ]

I'm in Chicago, keeping the handsome Conor Oberst company. Or maybe it's vice versa, I don't know. I'm sure he could have found some people to keep him company... as could I. But... damn, I'm making no sense, and going nowhere.

Last night, he and I took a nice, long walk. And on that walk, out of sheer spontaniety, I stopped at a tattoo parlor and got a star tattooed on my lower back. Yeah, I know, it's boring, but hey - stars never get boring. I'll never look in the mirror and go, "Oh god, what was I thinking when I got that?!" It's really cute, actually.

Anyway, I don't know when I'll be back in LA. I guess at the moment, I'm just going where my heart leads me - where ever I feel like going, I'll go. I just happened to feel like seeing Conor, thus explaining me in Chicago... I'll have to go back to LA soon, even if just for a day, because I believe a Ms. Keri Lynn Pratt and I have some plans.

Weep for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

[21 Feb 2003|08:24am]
[ mood | excited ]

Goodbye, New Canaan. Chicago, here I come.

Hold on tight, babe. I'll be there soon.

for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

Oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place. [16 Feb 2003|02:33pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

Where are you?

for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

[13 Feb 2003|06:18pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Everyone will be curled up with their significant other, feeding them little candy hearts, showering them with gifts and flowers... all except for me. In fact, I won't be celebrating the holiday at all. I'll actually be on a plane to Connecticut - New Canaan, Connecticut to be specific - to spend a few days there with my family.

Though I have to admit, I'm feeling quite anxious to see him, so this escape home will have to be really short. I need to see him in person again as soon as possible before I go insane. I'll just have to find out where he'll be... on Wednesday. Yes, that gives me the weekend plus a few more days to spend home, that's enough, right? Right.

for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

"Nobody's around except the basement and the trapsets and the feeling that you're leaving." [10 Feb 2003|08:16am]
[ mood | depressed ]

That's not much worth believing.

I'm back in LA - only after hours of trying to pry myself away from Conor. God, I haven't been in this city long, but it's already got me dying to get out and be back with him. I'm going through withdrawls, I guess you could say. But hey, we'll see eachother really soon, I'm sure.

I'm gonna go stop by keri_lynn_pratt's apartment and spend some time with her, because I missed her and both she and I can use the company of a good friend.

Weep for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

"I knew every raindrop by its name." [07 Feb 2003|09:25pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

New icons... it was sad parting with my older ones, though. My paid account ran out, so I had to delete them.

See? That was my lame attempt at nonchalantly hinting at the yearning for a nice little LiveJournal Fairy or whatnot to buy me one.

I'll be back in Los Angeles the day after next, where I believe I have plans with both Keri and Ryan. I don't want to leave Conor, but I have a responsibility to my friends, and my life in LA, and I can't really ignore it any longer. It's pulling me back against my will.

Conor's going back on tour soon... and for some reason, the mention of "going on tour" sent all of these frightened feelings through me. I guess I still have the same paranoid thoughts that I've always had while dating musicians - they'll go on tour, and like the movie Almost Famous so nicely put, "Some people we meet on tour are really amazing people, man." Who knows what can happen while he's away? He could find some gorgeous model with a brighter smile and more interesting personality, or someone just as good as me, only without all the baggage I carry which I know only adds on as a hassle.

That's what happened with Chris. And I'm in no way saying that Conor's anything like Chris, but ... it's possible.

I don't think I'll sleep tonight.

Weep for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

[07 Feb 2003|08:24am]
[ mood | jubilant ]

I don't want to go back home, ever. I'm fine right here, exactly where I am.

Weep for the Sunlight. x Disclaimer

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